Lord

I didn't realize how stuck up I am still recently. I think I've always been caught up into the high school cliche of trying to be socially acceptable to everyone, at all times. I don't know but I can read people and if I can avoid embarrassing or awkward situations, I will. Yesterday at Sonic, I was really embarrassed to be with Dani's BF Josh because he is just so fat and could barely get out of the car. He also kept bending over and his ass crack was showing. Which made me feel awkward because I knew that if someone saw me they would associate me as his friend. And I don't want to be known as his friend because honestly I don't think I'd ever see him as one.
Another example, while retaking my GED at some place in the ghetto of Newburgh, I had a similar experience. I viewed all the other people there as gross or unprofessional. I think it was just because they were wearing pajamas or dirty clothing and their hair looked messy and greasy. Plus, a lot of them were late. I actually was on time, dressed nicely, showered and prepared. On multiple occasions, people would try to be nice to me and talk to me and I even knew one of the girls there. But I was quick with responses but I think it was mostly because I was their to do something and get it done. I wasn't there to make friends. It wasn't Americas Next Top Best Friend at the GED test.
I'm slowly starting to see the little intricate things about myself that I've never noticed and it's not good. I don't really like this but even though I realize there is something wrong, my mind is saying not to worry and to not change or I'd be a complete mess. It feels like there is a little nazi in my brain and I'm Anne Frank, trapped with no where to go. Sigh, I guess time will tell. Hopefully, I'll learn some things I like to make up for the ones I don't.

Bad day ugh, worked suck and I had no break from 5:30 am to 1:00 pm =/ Then some bitches were yelling at me and being extremely rude so I snapped and I went off on them. It was a bitchfest. I then tried to get some loans for this car and I was told it would basically be almost impossible. Then I go food shopping and the mexican pitbull woman who yelled at me earlier was shopping and it was really awkward. I don't know if Ill be fired but I dont think so. I am not taking peoples shit. Revenge is certain, hatred is permanent. Adios <3

Soo I just stumbled upon this website that sells tickets to bus tours around NYC that goes to famous filming sets and sights. Some of the shows they do are Sopranos, Sex and the City and a new one is GOSSIP GIRL! =] It's 3 and half hours long and you go to over 40 filming locations and it's like 40 bucks. It seems really worth it and you stop at a lot of the places so you can take pictures =D. Plus it's only on Friday and Sundays at 12 so I can definitely go one day, yay! <3

I Need:
- More fun
- To see old friends
- To go to college
- To give


I Want:
- A car
- A new tattoo
- A webcam
- A Piano
- Freedom
- Strength
- Carefreeness

I Have:
- Amazing friends
- Good family
- Good job
- love in my heart <3

Hmm I realized that pretty recently my life has been very normal. No drama with anyone, nothing exciting going on with me and every things so carefree. It's never like that for me. I look at all my friends and they all have issues they are facing or interesting drama and I feel like I'm just side kickin all of their stuff, which is fun but can't last forever. I need a shake up soon with some fun. I have some things to look forward to, Bruno this week with Rachel/Matt, Queer Spirit Camp the 20th-26th, The Zoo with Dani/Rachel and I was invited by a friend to go to Washington D.C. so I want to go there too!

I have a major problem. I have a big mouth and someone just told me something really really really juicy. Joe told me to just leave my mouth shut. But I dont know what to do, its so scandalous and if I tell the person it will either change a lot or they won't care. I'm not sure how they feel anymore. But I do remember how they use to feel so Im not sure. I just dont think I can let this one out of the bag. But I will try to get the person to confess it to the other person. I think its honestly for the best for the truth to just be out there.

So I worked 19 hours in 2 days and I found out I work 6 days a week for the next 4 weeks only having sunday off. Then I get a whole week off to go to queer spirit camp. I need to try to change things around at the YWCA cuz working 3.5 hours is really dumb. I don't know how much I like this kinda schedule. Gag me =[

I got a new tattoo last night, I like it and so do others and thats all that matters. It says:

Love
is a
Battlefield

sort like that on my left back shoulder blade area. It didn't even hurt that bad at all either and it only took 15 minutes. Ive been listening to a lot of songs and people keep referencing to love being a battlefield and I kept taking in the lyrics into my head and I felt like it became a part of me mentally and now it's a part of me physically. To me, that makes the best tattoo.

gonna put this here so I never forget:

Lyrics to Love is a Battlefield from Pat Benatar

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield


Youre beggin me to go, youre makin me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing youve had?
Believe me, believe me, I cant tell you why
But Im trapped by your love, and Im chained to your side

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

Were losing control
Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
And before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
Theres no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, youll need me to hold

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field
One word turns into a
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
a battlefield
a battlefield

Why does love always feel like

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had, oh no
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again

I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
battlefield
battlefield
Why does love always feel like

You better go and get your armor
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like

A battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
a battlefield, a battlefield

I guess you better go and get your armor
I never meant to start a war (start a war)
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for


Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield

I was upset over certain events that have gone by this week but I'm really trying to just move on and not dwell on things that can't be changed. I'm just gonna remain positive. I'm just cranky sometimes because I work a lot. Im pushing myself beyond any type of limitation I've ever expected to have. But I really want a car and at this point I'm going to do whatever I can to get one.
I feel bad because it's taken away time that I can be hanging out with friends but I can back out of my responsibilities. Im really just gonna try to suck up my tiredness so I can see people. I don't wanna miss out. But I know that by July I should have a car and that'll be atleast 2 months or a month and a half left of summer to hang out with people. Plus, Kait and Rae will still be in Newburgh and it'll just be so much easier to hang with them.
I feel like I have to prove my worth in a friendship by maintaining visits with my friends or they seem to lose interest in me and in our friendship value. I'm just scared of losing friends or people not liking me because I can't hang out with them. But it'll be over sooner then I know it.
Busy week coming up with a lot to do. but I'm going to six flags thursday and am completely free that night and all day friday so ill try to enjoy it.

I really just can't grasp the idea of what some peoples intentions for things are. Like I really can only sit here and shake my head and say "Wow!". What amazing friends, seriously. Amazingly bad.

hmm i hate when i get good news and i tell other people because it seems like pre programmed into peoples minds not to be happy for me. why is it that im always happy or excited for other people but everyone else is like the total opposite for me. my mom literally is the only person who is happy for me about anything. plus i tell certain friends important things and dates and they just forget about it and are like "oh yeaahhh". oh yeah? oh yeah you just forgot dumbass.

I almost want to say that I'm never going to be happy for anyone ever again but that just sounds stupid and immature. and unfortunately those are adjectives to describe a majority of people who live around here.

man, i haven't posted on this in like foreverrrrrrrr.

i've been feeling really sick since yesterday. i went to perkins to eat then as soon as i got home i got really sick and was shivering so badly and it wasnt even that cold. I had plans with Kait and Rachel to go to the park but i had to call out because I felt like my stomach was folding inside out. so i basically slept from 2 PM until 8 AM this morning. I took some breaks in between to get water, throw up like 4 times, tell this bitch to turn off the light twice and then make some phone calls.

Sigh then waking up and feeling still crappy I prepared myself for work. I went in at 12:00 PM today. I met the head lifeguard Heather, she seems kinda cool but kind of a snob too. It's all about being on her good side around there or it doesnt look good. There were 2 bday parties for little kids and I was nauseous the entire time. I was gonna throw up from the heat and dealing with those kids. At one point this adonis of a god swimmer boy came in, he was so gorgeous that I got this contact high of like lust and like major butterflies which made me even more sick. His sexy swimmer's bod and tiny little speedo and blonde hair....yum.

anyway I was so glad to get off work cuz I was gonna pass out any second if I stayed any longer. im sort of better atleast now..

We're driving slow through the snow on Fifth Avenue
And right now radio's all that we can hear
Now we havent talked since we left, it's so overdue
It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday, seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now before we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you it's hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing's wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Because I see sunset in your eyes


That I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

im so angry. ive been so mad, sad, sick and angry. i fucking can't stand it. i hate people ugh. i hate this week. im done =\

My birthday was pretty great. I had a blast. I got some nice presents from Riana and also got to see Danielle Morton and Kaitlyn<3

I then went down to Jersey to Matts college. I missed him so much so seeing him was fantastic. We hung out, I met some of his nice friends and went to his dorm. I love NJIT the feel of it is really nice and homely.

Matt and I met up with Adam and his friend and we headed to rush. Devin was there and it was weird at first but then I didnt care lol. Matt's friend Kenyatta was there too and she was just fabolous. I had such a blast dancing and drinking. Ive never gotten so drunk in my whole life, I sort of regret that and regret taking off basically all my clothes but my underwear. I was pinched and grabbed and kissed. It was weird and its hazy in my memory.

All in all I had fun and 18 is great. I love the freedom, I already get to stay out late as I want but now I can drive after 9, buy lotto and do all of this shit. I love it.


<3

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rear
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
Out my life out my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Put on your break lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia



Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' phone calls
The phone don't even ring
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
I feel like a monster

Put on your break lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia


Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to remain tame
But I'm struggling
If you can go
I think I'm going to

Put on your break lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia

I have been severely sick from a sinus infection but after going to the hospital for what seemed like forever, I am starting to feel better. I'm so happy because it was so painful and horrible. I thought my ipod broke the other day but it was just really low on battery so it works again, the only thing wrong is my phone's screen is broken, I have to go to a technical place in fishkill to fix it. Mmmm if I go, I can probably stop at Boston Market <33 so yummy.

Other good things: I am downloading season 1 of gossip girl and I'm so excited to start watching that. Degrassi just ended but the previews for the new season look amazing, I'm sad Rachel and I won't be together to watch all the new eps =[. Basically all my good things are TV related, cuz 90210, Top Model and new Gossip Girl premieres the week of my birthday. I'm excited.

my feelings right now are really mixed. just so much is going on and school's over. wtf? just when things should be getting better, they start getting worse. Like I have to work all summer and take 27 days worth of summer school of gym (so its easier on me credit wise next year)and its depressing. Plus just the realization of not being so set on a routine daily schedule and to just stop it completely really messes me up. Now I have to not do any school for 2 months and then start a new schedule. It makes me sick to think about it.
Plus, like theres something going on where I just am losing real hope and touch with a friend, we just keep hitting snag after snag. It's not helping our friendship at all. But I try to look positively on it. But this time I'm just feeling left out of a certain situation and just dont know how to take it. I wanna work things out to make them better.
On the bright side, I really like this guy named Dan and we've talked and things look to be going well. I'll probably see him again soon. Were discussing some stuff which is good.